Grief
by Haya-dono
Summary: He wakes up to another day to fulfill his duties. Another day without her. He reminisces, knowing all that he lost since that fateful day. (Alternate plotline to Stories of Ransei, and counterpart to 'Alone'. Pokemon Conquest-verse, Yukimura/Heroine)


_A.N.: This is an alternate version of Stories of Ransei, in which at one point Rinne dies, and a counterpart for 'Alone'. For better effect, I'd suggest listening to __**Rin'ne/Rinne**__ by __**Hatsuki Yura**__ as you read._

_I hope you enjoy it._

* * *

He comes back from his training, it is already past midnight. The moon's light is the only thing that guides him from the training field back to the castle. He walks slowly, almost trying to hide his presence and not disturb everyone's sleep. He gets in his _futon_ and closes his eyes, but he can't sleep. It has been like this now. If he is lucky, he gets around four hours of sleep; but if he's not, he spends the entire night thinking of her.

It's 6 am, and he rises from the _futon._ He stayed all night awake. It doesn't matter. He readies himself and goes back to training. He swings his spear; the movements, once graceful and full of life are dull, mechanical.

Lifeless.

He trains, until he can no longer swing his arms, until they are numb. The training is not enough, it wasn't enough. If it had been, she'd be chiding him to take a break. If she was daring enough, she'd even take his spear and would negotiate an hour of break in exchange of his weapon. He would accept, of course.

His hands grip his spear tightly, his arms are trembling. She is not there. He knows. It weighs heavily in his chest, if he had done something. If he had been stronger, if he had foreseen what was bound to happen, she would still be alive. She'd be next to him, laughing or mixing up words. She would ask him about his childhood, about his dreams, about them. He finds it hard to breathe; he has to stare at the ground to calm down. Guilt consumes him. He swore to himself he would protect her, that he would ensure her happiness. But he couldn't.

Someone's voice breaks him off his thoughts. Kunoichi is there to relay a message from Shingen. He is to meet with him. Yukimura nods and walks away. Kunoichi asks him if he is alright. He just nods, and leaves without saying a word. When he meets Shingen, his lord talks to him. He is worried about him, he noticed how Yukimura barely eats and how he overexerts himself. He doesn't rest well, nor takes a break, training every single day from morning until late in the night. The war is over, he shouldn't have to do it. But Yukimura insists. He fulfills his duties and focuses on training.

Shingen knows. Yukimura was a private, introverted man, but now he barely talks. While still polite, he is more aloof, distant. He stopped looking at people's eyes, for they would see how the sparks in his had disappeared. His passion, his drive has been lost. The flame burning deeply in his heart had been extinguished completely and he knew he would never get it back. They knew, duty was what bound him there.

If they were still at war, Shingen wouldn't have let him participate. He knows Yukimura; he would charge and fight, uncaring of his own life, until someone fulfilled his wish. He would fight until he fell on his knees, as blood left his body. Until he was able to meet her again. But now they were in times of peace, and he wouldn't get his only wish granted.

Shingen asks him if he wants to talk. Yukimura says he is fine, and excuses himself. He leaves the room and notices it is almost six. He has to get something. He rushes to town, then walks home as fast as he can, as he holds a small flower he just bought. He goes to a small garden he was allowed to have, hidden behind fences. A place only he could see.

He enters, and is greeted by the sight of several sunflowers. He puts down the newest one, as he reaches for a small shovel, and digs a hole in the ground. He plants the small sunflower, just like he has for the past 5 years. For every important date, he goes to buy and plant a new one; and now he has a beautiful garden.

The only time he stops training is at six, when he goes to care for the garden. Today is no exception. In fact, today is special.

March 4th, her birthday.

He pets the newly planted sunflower, still kneeling next to it.

"I know they are your favorite," he says. "Happy birthday."

He tries to smile to the new addition, to his gift to her. He can't.

_"Thank you… Yukimura," she coughed, as he held her in his arms, trying to stop the bleeding. "I'm happy… I-I'm not alone…" She said with tears, smiling. He could feel tears falling from his eyes, as desperately held onto her hand, she could make it._

_"Don't. I want… your smile…" she pleaded, as she forced herself to speak. Her voice was dying, she tried to raise her hand to touch his face. He helped her, never letting go of her. "I'm-" she gasped for breath, "forever… yours."_

He bows down to the sunflowers. Small drops fall to the ground.

"Please forgive me," he begs, hoping somewhere, she would hear him. No answer. He can't stop the tears that he had been holding for a long time. He knows, he can only tell his feelings to her.

Still bowing, he whispers, "I love you." Then, he finally lets the tears fall freely.

He prays. If humans are bound to reincarnate, then he prays that he is allowed to see her once more, that their paths cross. But he doesn't know if it will happen. He apologizes for making her see him like this, for not being able to smile. He can't now. She saw his last smile, so no one else can see him smile now. It was his last gift to her.

Time passes. He gets up and cleans his face. He has to resume his training. He knows. He apologizes and bows, then, with heavy footsteps, he leaves. And that day, he dreams of her. Only to wake up all by himself.


End file.
